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How Dangerous Are Avalanches? - A Statistical Avalanche

November 1, 2012, 9:01 am
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Over the last few weeks ESPN have been releasing some great articles on the effects of avalanches in the US. They’re now mid-way through a run of six articles and they’re also mid-way to scaring me into never snowboarding off-piste again. It’s time to take a look at the stats and see just how close to a horrible avalanchy death we really are…

The article that really got us started was the one called, ‘Is this the new normal? Why are more people dying in avalanches, and what can we do about it’. In particular these stats were the ones that gave us the hebegebees…
The 34 fatalities that occurred [last winter] in the U.S. comprised the fifth-highest total since 1950, according to data maintained by the Colorado Avalanche Information Center [CAIC]. However, last year was only the third-highest total in the past four years, falling short of the 36 deaths in both 2007-08 and 2009-10.
The eight highest U.S. avalanche death totals in recorded history have all occurred since 1995. In Canada, the 30-year-average number of fatalities from 1978-2007 was 11. In the past decade, that average has grown to 14.
Those are some pretty scary numbers. First thing we did was check they were accurate, because as we saw the other day that’s not always the case. The good news (or bad news) is that the numbers are accurate. The next question we had was whether the increase was just due to more people skiing and snowboarding, so we combined those specific avalanche fatality stats from CAIC with the participation stats we've used a few times before from the National Ski Areas Association (NSAA) to give us the figures for the number of avalanche fatalities per million participants over time. Here’s what we found…

Even accounting for the levels of participation there's a very clear increase in avalanche fatalities. Shit.

So as there's been a noticeable increase, the next things we wanted to know is how much danger we're in. If you notice in that chart above,  for your average skier/snowboarding the chances of getting caught in an avalanche is very small. How does that compare to other activities? Here's where the CAIC site was very handy, they've got loads of stats (including the details of each accident which makes for some pretty harrowing reading) and they allow any punter to download the stats and have a play, so we did and here's what we ended up with... (Click on the picture if you want to see a larger version)
Here are some of the most interesting features of the chart:
1. On the top right there are some stats that show that the skiers and snowboarders that fall victim to avalanches are a good deal older than your average punter and they're mostly blokes. The ESPN article has this quote from Spencer Logan, an avalanche forecaster and the accident database manager at CAIC. "In the most general terms, most avalanche victims are male, most of them are in their 20s through mid-40s, and most of them are very good at their sport -- they're skilled skiers or snowboarders or they've been snowmobiling for a long time."  When we first started looking into this we had jumped to the conclusion that we'd see a fair few inexperienced nutters who were out of their depth getting caught in these numbers, but it's really not the case.

2. In the centre is a chart showing the cumulative avalanche fatalities by activity over time from the CAIC data. The good news is that you're less likely to be killed at work these days, but the bad news is that it's become a lot more common to die as a result of something you did in your free time. These numbers are interesting enough but but alone they don't tell the whole story; the next thing we wanted to know is which activity is more dangerous and that's where the boulders on the right come into play...

3. The volume of each of the boulders represents the fatalities per million participants and it gives a comparison of how dangerous each activity is. This was calculated by comparing the fatalities data against the participation data, this time from the National Sporting Goods Association (NGSA), over the past five seasons. Unsurprisingly of the activities on the avalanche list the safest was snowshoeing, so if you want to be sure to live to a ripe old age then that's the sport for you. Snowboarding was safer than skiing so that's a relief for us from a purely selfish standpoint, but by far the most dangerous activity was snowmobiling. It shouldn't have come as a surprise really, because if you spend just a few minutes on YouTube you'll be deluged by videos like this...
 "Everybody hear how loud I'm breathing? ...That's because I just shit my pants"

Snowmobiling is a sport that is specifically designed to rapidly transport you in to the most dangerous situation possible. It's the closest experience you can have right now to being a space-farer in a tight red suit taking an unwelcome trip on a teleporter. It's so dangerous that a good chunk of the Wikipedia article about it is dedicated to the numerous ways you can die, something you don't see on the snowboarding page. Here's a few examples from a much longer list.
In areas they are unfamiliar with, riders could crash into suspended barbed wire or haywire fences at high speeds and each year a number of serious/fatal accidents have been caused in this manner. Each year, riders are killed when they hit other snowmobiles, automobiles, pedestrians, rocks, trees, fences, or when falling through thin ice. Fatal collisions with trains can also occur when a snowmobile operator engages in the illegal practice of "rail riding", riding between railroad track rails over snow covered sleepers. Inability to hear the sound of an incoming train over the engine noise of a snowmobile makes this activity extremely dangerous. 

If you still need more convincing have a think about this; the first snowboard was a small plastic toy for kids called a Snurfer, the first snowmobile was this...
The world's first snowmobile, presumably moments before it turned into canned death after hitting a pedestrian, or a rock, or a tree, or a train, etc.

4. Just before we finish with the infographic there are a couple of other boulders on the left. We put these in to give the dangers of the activities we've been talking about a bit of context against other things you might be spending your time doing. We took a look at the dangers of ski lifts in an older article and you can see here that these contraptions are seriously safe. The big grey boulder is your chances of dying during your average bit of skiing or snowboarding and that figure is a bit more worrying, although to be fair the avalanche stats are compared against all participants not specifically against people who are more likely to be in danger like backcountry snowboarders/skiers. Finally the volume of the whole mountain in the background is the relative chances of dying in your bog-standard automobile accident, an activity so dangerous that they use a different scale when reporting them. You're significantly more likely to die on the way to or from your day of snowboarding than you are when you get there. 

So there's a look at the data and it makes avalanches just a little less fearsome, but bear in mind these stats are for your average person, if you find yourself just about to jump out of a helicopter in Alaska your odds will be somewhat worse.
Not a 0.46 in a million manoeuvre





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The ESPN series on avalanches

Our infographic on ski lifts putting some context into some more tragedy.

For anyone that thinks snowmobiles are a bit too soft for them, here's our guide to snowterbikes. 



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Twitter Bombing #skishow2012

November 3, 2012, 9:56 am
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Illicit went to the Ski and Snowboard Show and had a go at live tweeting the experience. For those of you that missed it, here's how it went...


Here are a few things I also found out but didn't get round to twittering:

  • Somebody has invented a new snowboard leash. Handy thing leashes, haven't seen many of them round recently.
  • Snow + Rock (one of the UK's biggest snowboard retailers) in one of the strangest moves I've ever seen, had a big stand with nothing to buy on it. It was all fart, no poo.
  • For a guy standing in a neon onesie at a consumer show, the lad I talked to at Retro Rentals was surprisingly dour-faced banter-free zone.
  • Fuud Hoods were at Freeze Festival, but unfortunately not at the Ski and Snowboard Show which is a shame because I was hoping to pick up a new outfit for Shaun White from them.
  • Having boules and curling at the same event as snowboarding is definitively a new low-point for snowboarding. 

Sadly, despite spending hours loitering in the men's toilets, I was unable to sight the evasive and legendary ski show shit, but there's always next year.


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Craptions - The top 10 crappiest puns in the October edition of Snowboarder Magazine

November 8, 2012, 9:40 am
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It's sometimes said that puns are the lowest form of humour, but for years I've argued that the dubious honour should actually go to the likes of anagrams, pranks, mother-in-law jokes, slapstick and Garfield. At least that's what I believed before I picked up the October edition of Snowboarder Magazine on my last trip to the US. Here are the ten lowest points, in a new low point, for the now proven lowest form of humour...

In the October edition of Snowboarder Magazine there were an incredible 72 puns and over 90% in the photos on the magazine had been embossed with one. Given that they churn out 8 editions and it probably takes about 10 minutes to craft, edit and format each pun; that's 5,760 minutes, or 96 hours, or 12 working days Snowboarder Magazine dedicates to punning each season. Was that a good use of time? You decide.

1. 
Sam Taxwood showed up to Big Bear thinking the name of our event was The Lunch so he ate a bunch of airtime and tried to avoid the dreaded knuckle sandwich. Turns out it's called The Launch.

2. 
You know what's better than Masthead? Road head, You know what's better then road head? Sled head.

3. 
Relying on hiking for all of your filmed documentaries is way more impressive when you're a big mountain rider like Jeremy Jones, as opposed to being a small mountain rider where the hikes are much, much shorter.

4. 
It's so vain to want to spend your whole winter being filmed all of the time. Oh, wait. It's Sylvain who wants to spend the winter being filmed all of the time. Sylvain Bourbousson! That's it!

5. 
After this photo ran. Devun would "Seymour" of the world traveling [sic] as a big time pro. 

6. 
Bryan Fox with a "/" and Curtis Ciszek with a "\". Get it?

6a. 
The same pun, the same magazine and the same snowboarder.
If this photo were a URL, the best part about it would be the backside slash.

7. 
Dare we say that this is a photo of JD Dennis doing a frontside "tree?". 

8.
Right after this photo of Zander Blackmon was snapped, SNOWBOARDER Magazine Senior Photographer Ethan "E-Stone" Fortier had a snack attack and tried to eat the Bear claw on the left side of the photo. Needless to say, it did't end well.

9.
This photo of Austin Hironaka probably helped photographer Jeff Hawe emerge from the forest with a heightened appreciation of wood. Jeff wrote that.

10. 
From the looks of the logo in the background, you'd think that SNOWBOARDER Magazine was kinda square, but you'd be wrong.  
No. From the unremitting plethora of weak puns I'd assume Snowboarder Magazine is kinda square.

On the plus side and just to prove that if you throw enough shit at a wall some of it will stick, on page 121 we found a good one. Together with the other two good captions that made a hit ratio of 4%...
What's the coolest part about Further? The fact that parents and kids across the world can sit down and watch a skin flick together.

Dear Snowboarder Magazine Head of Pun Creation,

Here are a few handy tips on pun and caption writing that are worth considering for the rest of the season:

  • There's no need to reference the photo in the caption. We get the fact that the text on the photo has something to do with the photo.
  • Drop the speech marks and exclamation marks. They make you sound like an over-excited hipster.
  • Put the punch at the end if possible. That's where twists live. If you have to keep explaining a joke after the joke, the joke wasn't funny.
  • If your're tempted to start with the phrase 'dare we say' smash yourself in the face until the thoughts go away. In general if you need to spend a paragraph explaining or setting-up your pun the pun just ain't gonna happen. 
  • There's no need to use the phrase 'Get it?'. We do.
  • Only do the funny ones. You don't need to force a pun each and every shot and there's only so many funny things you can say about a picture of snow. Try cutting down to 15 good puns and leave the rest. Every picture tells a thousand words, and that's an editorial time-saver my friend  Use it.
  • Finally, on a positive note, don't give up. It is possible to write a good pun. There's a free magazine in the UK called Shortlist that do it horribly well. I picked on up the other day at the London Ski and Snowboard Show and here's the hardest caption competition I've ever seen...

Fuck knows how you top that. They're taking the piss.

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What's wrong with snowboard magazines

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Pro Snowboarder Autobiographies - The Mega Book Review

November 22, 2012, 7:04 am
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This week we review every single pro snowboarder autobiography ever written…
We found four.

First up its Todd Richards’ succinctly titled - P3
And it’s a good one. To give you a sense of what you’re getting let’s start with an extract from the book about his first trip to a high altitude resort (Arapahoe Basin at 13,500ft), where he rocked up at an event on his second day in the resort with altitude sickness and sun poisoning:
By the time I made the finals, I had a lot of gas from the altitude sickness and was polluting the air around the starting area. To top it off, the event was televised, which was a big deal. The World Championships in Brek had been on television earlier that winter, but camera crews were still a pretty rare sight back then. At this event, most riders, myself included, were acutely aware of the big cameras that were constantly trained on us. Here’s what I later watched: Me poised in the starting gate for the finals. The camera zooms in on my severely charred face, and the voice-over says, “Here, we have Todd Richards from Paxton, Massachusetts, riding for Sims.” I look around briefly. Then I stop, stare upward into space for a second with this look of confusion, then my face wrinkles up into a grimace.
That was the exact second I shit my pants. Just blew out, spackling the inside of my magic purple Sims jumpsuit. The announcer said, “Go!” and I didn’t have a choice. I dropped in and dealt with the load in my pants. It’s a good thing I semi-blacked out during my runs or I might have realised that my pants were filled with poop soup and all the tweaks and handplants were spreading the love, so to speak. Despite the gross factor, I pulled all my tricks and straight-lined it to the bathroom.

He came fifth if you were wondering. It reminds me of this video.
The book is really well written and the guy has some interesting shit to tell. You come out of the experience thinking he’d be a good lad to go to the pub with (and that’s universally recognised to be the most important character reference there can be). The only downside to the book is that it was completed just after the deaths of Craig Kelly and Jeff Anderson, so the book ends on a sad note. It’s a bit of a heavy way to end what was otherwise a light-hearted tome, but it still makes for interesting reading. It gets a definite recommendation from us and you can get a hold of a copy in this little boutique book store.
"Grunting up a double-handed handplant at Tenney Mountain, 1988 (note the refined style)."
And if you want to achieve that same level of style, just try crimping one out while you're doing it.

Next up its Tina Basich and her book - Pretty Good for a Girl
Tina Basich was one of the pioneers of women’s snowboarding and the book gets off to a promising start with the first page including the phrase, “I’d get so nervous, I’d pee in my leotard”. If these books are any guidance than clearly if you want become a pro snowboarder a flare for soiling yourself in public is a must.
Other things I learned:
1. She believes in fairies.
2. When she won the slalom at the OP Pro, Squaw Valley in 1990 she made her arm guards from a Dominos pizza box. Classic snowboard bodge.
4. Dave Grohl is a confirmed snowboarder
5. Dave Grohl is also actually a bit of a dick
The book is all a bit too earnest and straight down the line to make it a great read for most people. It was written for teenage girls, hence the pink cover, swirly design throughout the book and the interspersed tips on snowboarding for newbies which includes the advice to never wear an underwire bra when snowboarding because “crashes cause boob bruises”. Despite being completely the wrong audience I still found the book to worth a read, particularly the insights it gave into what the life of being a gender pioneer in a largely male dominated sport. Get a dose of Tina's book here.
When you photograph Tina against other objects it become apparent that she's a midget.

Then there’s Ross Rebagliati’s - Off the Chain
Ah, remember the days when all snowboard supporters would be tooled up with machetes?
It’s the story of the first snowboarder to win and Olympic gold medal, then lost it after testing positive for marijuana, but got it back again when someone pointed out that marijuana wasn't actually on the banned substance list. A couple of years ago in an article about the Olympics I mentioned this book and wrote, “It would be interesting to see how much of that book is dedicated to his gold medal”.  The answer is; surprisingly little and probably not enough. Considering this is the moment that defined what most people have heard of Ross Rebagliati and why they might pick up his book, it’s amazing how little detail and insight you get into the events and after effects of his Olympics experience.
Here are three interesting things I did learn:
1. He didn’t qualify for the Canadian Olympic team initially after he chose to skip some of the qualifying events to race on the European tour. When he found out he procured a dubious doctor's note to say that he was injured and that’s why he missed the events. With that note and an apology and he was allowed back on the team and bumped out the lad that had originally been given the place.
2. He found out after the Olympics debacle that he had actually failed every single drugs test he’d taken in the lead up to the event. It’s really strange, given that history, that the testers only decided to out him at the Olympics.
3. Because of the Olympics incident he found his way onto the US list of undesirables and post 9/11 he wasn’t allowed into the US under any circumstances. Eventually he was allowed in if he underwent strip search each time, but he wasn’t allowed to fly. That bureaucratic nonsense effectively ended his snowboard career, which is a shitty way to go.
Interesting stuff, but unfortunately you don’t get much more detail from the book itself, which is a real shame. Instead what you get is a strange mix of a cursory snowboarding history interspersed with snowboard tips (number four in his top ten best bands to listen to when boarding is “any reggae artist”) and Rebagliati’s autobiography. It’s a very light read with most of the volume being photographs and it didn't take long to get through it. It was all just a little meh.
Rebagliati apparently suffering from an unfortunate bout of the Todd Richards.
Example passage:
When I was about six years of age, I had a dream. It was one of those dreams that stays with you, refusing to ever fade. It was one of those dreams that shows you something about yourself, and then refuses to ever let you forget it. Most days, I still think of it.
I was at the start line of some sort of swimming race. There were bleachers at the side of the pool, and they were filled with spectators. The other competitors were all much bigger than me, and I could tell they were all much better swimmers than me. The whistle blew, and I began swimming. As I struggled to keep up, arms thrashing in the water, I looked up and noticed that all the spectators had turned into judges. Suddenly, they were dressed in long, dark robes and the huge fake wigs the British magistrates wear. They were all pointing and yelling. Not at the other swimmers, but at me. As the race wore on, and I struggled and splashed my way to the other end of the pool, they yelled louder and louder, their faces red with anger.
I woke up, my heart pounding.
I’ve never totally understood the meaning of this dream.
He’s no Martin Luther King. That was the first few paragraphs of the book and if you want to read the rest it's available here. 
The irony of hindsight.

Finally it’s Chris Klug’s - To the Edge and Back
Chris Klug is the least well known snowboarder to churn out an autobiography. Like Rebagliati he was a slalom racer, like Rebagliati he won an Olympic medal, unlike Rebagliati he wasn't caught smoking dope so that's probably why you've never heard of him. Despite his relative obscurity he has managed to produce and excellent book because there’s no one in snowboarding that has anything like this guy’s incredible medical history. We reviewed this book in detail a while ago, so to summarise...
Like the other autobiographists Chris Klug started snowboarding back when people were using snowboards cobbled together out of wood, string, duct tape and hope, and he reached his peak when snowboarding became an Olympic sport. All these books cover elements of the history of snowboarding through the particular story of the author, but what adds an extra element to Chris Klug's book is the story is his liver disease and transplant, and the charity work he's gone on to do. That extra element makes for a really strong read even if you're not into snowboarding, and it's the stand out book because of it. Here's the book.


The Verdict
If you fancy reading your way through some snowboarding autobiographies or are looking for a Christmas present then here’s the order you should go for:
1. Chris Klug
2. Todd Richards
3. Tina Basich
4. Stop there.

Considering the number of people who have been involved in snowboarding over the years four autobiographies might seem to be a surprisingly limited output, but what’s really odd is how all the autobiographies were written by one very specific generation of snowboarders. Some of the elder statesmen of the sport were born in the early 1950s (Tom Sims - 1950, Jake Burton - 1952) and some of the most recognised snowboarders today were born in the late 80s (Shaun White - 1986). That’s about four decades of snowboarders, but the four pro snowboarder autobiographies here were all written by people born within just three years of each other. Tina Basich (1969), Todd Richards (1969), Ross Rebagliati (1971) and Chris Klug (1972). There is a little room to expand the genre, and the news on the street is that there’s going to be a new addition next year...Terje Haakonsen (1974).



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Top 5 Accidental Olympics Snowboard Heroes - including Terje and Ross Rebagliati.

We did a much more in depth review of Chris Klug and his book a while back and it's worth a read if you're still undecided.



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What’s Wrong With Snowboard Movies? - The Tyranny of ‘The Format’

December 10, 2012, 7:46 am
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Can you guess which snowboard video this describes?
  • It starts with musical intro and a roll of the sponsor’s logos.
  • After the opening credits it launches into the first segment featuring one snowboarder riding for the length of a song, it will be the second best snowboard section of the movie.
  • Then there’s a short and mildly amusing candid interlude captured at some point during the filming process.
  • The film then progresses into a series of sections, with an assortment of snowboarders, riding to a variety of tracks, with a few more short interludes.
  • Then there’s a bit more of the same but a switch to Japan or the Southern Hemisphere.
  • Next up it’s the slam section.
  • Finally it all ends with the best snowboard section of the movie by the stand-out rider, which includes the biggest single trick.
Sound familiar? It should do because it roughly describes almost every single snowboard movie ever created. It’s what, for the purposes of this article we are going to call ‘the format’. ‘The format’ has been the dominant type of snowboard movie for over twenty years, and it’s been copied and rehashed to a point well past it’s sell by date. We've reached a situation where there’s now a whole generation of snowboarders that don’t know anything else but ‘the format’ and because of that it’s become even more pervasive. Is ‘the format’ something all snowboard movies are doomed to repeat forever or is there another way?
Way back at the start of snowboarding things weren't like this. No one knew how to make a snowboard movie and people were trying all kinds of different things. Some were admittedly incredibly shitty, but some were inspirationally bonkers. This is one of the first dedicated snowboard movies, Apocalypse Snow from 1983, bathe in its glorious madness.
There are two things you’ll probably notice from that; 1. You never see anything like this today and, 2. Because you never see anything like it, despite it being madder than a box of Nate Bozungs, it’s also a refreshing viewing experience even close to 30 years after it was made.
After years of people muddling around trying different ideas with varying degrees of success, ‘the format’ was first introduced by the likes of Mack Dawg Productions and Standard Films. In the 90s these two companies dominated snowboard films and the format that they showcased was easily the best way anyone had found to produce a snowboard movie at that time.
Seeing the success of these companies other people wanted to get a piece of the action so they started to copy ‘the format’. Within a short space of time almost all movies had started to follow the rules and by the turn of the millennium it was hard to tell them apart. Once ‘the format’ had become ubiquitous the differentiation or success of individual movies was now down to subtle differences, like the snowboarder line-up, the places visited or the style of soundtrack.
That process has been repeated time and time again with minor tweaks for years. Even the single biggest change to film making of our time, the move to digital and the production explosion that followed, made no impact on this trend of rehashing ‘the format’. With the move to digital the ability to produce a snowboard movie was suddenly open to thousands of more people, but being brought up on ‘the format’ these new movies were just more of the same.
Some of these movies are excellent by themselves, but once you put them into context with every other snowboard movie ever made they start to look very similar:
  • That’s It That’s All was an exciting new tweak when it came out with its incredible production quality, but it was another outing of the format. When the same team produced The Art of Flight they repeated the formula and the tweak for a second time, but apart from the slight increase in slow-motion helicopter porn it felt like we were sitting through the same movie again. 
  • It was a similar situation with Jeremy Jones’ recent forays. Deeper was an interesting watch because of the new angle of unsupported exploration, but it was still the format. Further was the same ideas again and the next in the series Higher, which will inevitably be the same thing once again, will be one step too far for me.
  • Pop was one of my favourite movies when it came out, but put me in front of yet another Absinthe movie and I’d probably kill. 
  • I can’t even face looking at a teaser for Burton’s 13.
I’ve just picked a few out here but have a go yourself, are you experiencing the same thing?
The movies I've mentioned are all good snowboard films, but for every one of these there are ten less memorable movies that also follow 'the format' and it all becomes a bit of a blur. Just having a quick look through my, not very overwhelming  DVD shelf, I have absolutely no recollection of anything that happened in about half the movies I watched last season. Making a snowboard movie these days is not a good way to make money and one of the main reasons is because there’s nothing different enough about them that would make anyone want to go out of their way to buy them. Why buy the latest release when you'll be able to watch something for free that will be so similar you’d hardly notice the difference? It’s like trying to flog someone a South Korean dance music song, when all they have to do right now is be unfortunate enough to have ears. ‘The format’ that was once so fresh is now very, very stale.

So that’s the problem, what’s the solution?
The solution is to do something really different. If you haven’t already watched it, here's a free movie you can watch right now. If you want to cut to the chase head to the bit at 7mins 34seconds.
For the most part it’s also yet another outing for ‘the format’, but what did you make of the crowdsourced bit? It’s probably makes you feel a little tingly like you last experienced during the Apocalypse Snowclip. That’s the feeling you get when you see something different. Even the guys who made Pepping shared the feeling, and although it’s only a tiny bit of the whole movie, and despite the movie including some banging riding from the pros, they still highlighted this small part as the best bit. Now imagine if someone did a whole crowdsourced movie like that. That would be something different and something I’d pay to see.
There are a few movies that are worth holding up as examples of how things can be done. While all around them people were following ‘the format’ over the years a few people have tried doing the opposite.

  • 91 Words for Snow is one of the stand-out snowboard movies of all time. It’s a documentary by David Benedek exploring the different ways people snowboard, showing that the term snowboarding covers a range of hugely different activities and cultures. It's an excellent documentary and an excellent snowboard movie and it was something completely different. Benedek went on to produce The Gap Session which was a movie all about his efforts to design and build the perfect kicker, then there was one more movie, In Short, before he moved on to writing the single bestbook ever produced on snowboarding. It’s a damn shame he’s still not making films. Benedek is unusual because he’s someone that was fully immersed in the world of snowboarding and ‘the format’, but he still managed to approach the problem from a different angle. Perhaps its unsurprising that some of the most interesting approaches, like Apocalypse Snow, have come from people who have managed to evade the clutches of  ‘the format’.

  • Here’s a short film by a fashion photographer that did the rounds a few years ago. 

  • and Vice Magazine have been the unlikely source of some of the best video shorts of recent years as they’ve produced some videos on snowboarding history, including this apt one on Standard Films


           Here's the series if you have a lot of spare time on your hands

There's a few examples of people who have done things differently, but there's loads more room for others. At the moment it's like everyone is scrabbling to produce halfpipe movies and trying to be Shaun White, when there's still lots of opportunity for someone to try and to be the Travis Rice, Terje Haakonsen, Kelly Clark, Tom Sims, Nicolas Muller or the Jeremy Joneseses of movies. 
Here’s a few other things that could be tried: a Jackass inspired snowboard movie, a movie with a plot, a comedy, the snowboarding equivalent of Touching the Void, a travelogue, a movie about how global warming might effect snowboarding and skiing, a period drama (snowboarding is surely crying out for one), a really fucking artistic movie, an animated snowboard movie, a movie about the world’s fastest snowboarder no one’s ever heard of, get someone funny to do the interludes, a whole move of slams fronted by Mr T, an all buttering movie, go somewhere fucking weird and film the weirdest bits, a documentary about the guys that snowboarded down Mt. Everest, a movie about life in a resort, set-up an urban jibbing competition in a ski resort without asking permission and film it. You get the gist. If you’re about to make a snowboarding video, have a think about what’s going to make yours different. If everybody else is doing one thing do the exact opposite and there’s a good chance it will work, the market is gagging for something new.

On that note, this looks like it could be interesting 

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A while ago we had a smilar rant about snowboard magazines.

Here's a look at all Hollywood's attempts at producing a snowboard movie. (at the time we did it, apart from the ones we missed that people pointed out in the comments and not including the MXP: Most Xtreme Primate one we posted on Facebook the other day) 





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Top 10 Snowboarding Pop Princesses & Where You Might Run Into Them

December 20, 2012, 5:21 am
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It's another in our hard-hitting investigative series in which we out celebrity snowboarders - This week we track down our top 10 pop songstresses...

Katy Perry
Cakey Perry
Everyone’s favourite faux-lesbian, misguided husband selector and cake bomber is also a confirmed snowboarder. Here’s more than you ever wanted to know about her snowboarding history from an interview on the Ski Snowboard Show site.
How did you get into snowboarding?
I grew up in Santa Barbara, California, and used to skateboard and surf with my brother and sister, so from those two sports, snowboarding was a natural step. I brought my parents, brother and sister along with me to Ischgl so we could all enjoy Europe. I think my little brother is lost somewhere on the mountain as we speak.
Have you ever skied?
No. I just got into snowboarding because all the cool kids were doing it! I never gave skiing a go. I’m petrified on a snowboard as it is, so I can’t imagine how scary it would be having two sticks stuck to my feet.
What’s your snowboard style?
Like my stance, goofy! It’s not that good. I’m a little bit scared at first then I regain my confidence, and by the third day I’m swishing down a part of the mountain that’s rather beyond my snowboarding capabilities.
Do you hang out in the park?
I’m not good in the park – I’ll leave that to my brother. He does backflips and, y’know, defies gravity. I want to stay alive.
That's not the only evidence we could find of her snowboarding credentials, she was also aggressively stalked around a Burton Snowboard store in 2009 whilst clad in Spandex. 
There you go, she’s a snowboarder, so where are you most likely to find her? That seemingly endless article has the answer:
Where’s the best place you’ve ever been snowboarding?
Living in California you don’t really have prime snow, unless you get lucky in Mammoth. Sun Valley in Idaho is lovely but Ischgl is probably one of the better places I’ve been to.
Ischgl, in case you aren’t sure, is pronounced by sneezing.

Leona Lewis
It’s the dull one off the X Factor. Remember the X Factor? In 2008 she had a try at snowboarding and here’s what she had to say in this interview. 
'I thought the mountain scenery, covered in snow, was just stunning,' said 23-year-old Leona. 'I've never seen anything so beautiful – so much so that I asked if I could stay on in Ischgl and have some snowboarding lessons. It's something I've never tried before.'
'It's been great,' said Leona. 'The surroundings are wonderful. And the snowboarding has gone really well, I think – well, I haven't hurt myself and the snow is really soft when you do have a fall.
'It's the first time I've ever snowboarded – in fact, it's the first time I've really been in the mountains. And I absolutely love it.'
From what I can see that was the first and last time she snowboarded, still it counts and she is a confirmed snowboarder. You’re most likely to find her in…. Ischgl, because they just pay a lot more for celebrity appearances. That’s why I go.

Christina Milian
Like a lot of other celebrities, Christina Milian decided to learn snowboarding in front of the cameras at the Sundance film festival. She had a go in 2009. That’s all I know about Christina Milian.
Human descentipede

LeAnn Rimes
Next up it's the country-singing child star who produced her greatest hits album by the time she was 21. Getting her whole career out of the way early freed up her time to have an affair with Eddie Cibran who, as a confirmed celebrity snowboarder himself, encouraged her to get involved. We can live the experience vicariously through her tweets:
“OK, so I’m snowboarding and learning new things and I’m getting it! Every once in a while I’ll catch an edge and bust my A$$! My knees are taking a beating cause I’m learning my toe edge,”
“I am in SOOOOOO much pain right now, but it’s all worth it. I’m getting much better! ICE PLEASE … NOW! I have an egg like looking thing on my left knee.”
“OMG, please get me Advil and maybe a shot or tequila! I had butt pads on, but OF COURSE opted out of THE KNEE PADS today : ) DUMB.”
"OMG. Learning to snowboard about as fun as taking a romantic drive with Chris Brown! LOL :)"
Ok, hands up, she didn't tweet that last one.
She’s been papped a few more times since then and every time she’s been hitting up Aspen.

The Badger-Faced Avril Lavigne
Throughout history Canada has been responsible for foisting a disproportionate deluge of shit music on the world. You'd think they'd be spending the rest of eternity apologising to the rest of us, but incredibly they've decided to do the exact opposite and double-up the torture with the news that Avril Lavigne is now one half of Canadian supercouple Chavril (they even hooked-up on Canada Day). I'm afraid there's more bad news, because she's a confirmed snowboarder. This one, I’ll leave to an extract from Seventeen magazine
Sk8ter Girl Meets Sn0 Boi
I meet with Avril again about a month later in Mt. Hood, Oregon, for some real action: snowboarding! Avril (who has boarded before and is already pretty good) is going to learn some tricks from 21-year-old JP Tomich, a pro boarder on the Quiksilver team. They'er on a steep slope near the top of the mountain, and Avril has just wiped out. her managers are freaking. I wonder if this might drive even the antidiva to a tantrum, but while her peeps yell for first aid, Avril just lies in the snow, laughing. Her scrapes are determined to be minor, and she and JP race back up the mountain. On the slopes I see an entirely different side of Avril: the kid. No dark eye makeup, no punk bracelets--this is the girl who followed her older brother around, determined to do anything he could. She's having a great time just goofing off.
Later, JP admits he was skeptical that a star would be able to snowboard; he was surprised by Avril's skill. Not that she's likely to go pro anytime soon (there's that little musical career keeping her busy), but she definitely holds her own on a scarey slope. She keeps boarding after our shoot is over, and jP joins her. Hmmm...they seem to be hitting it off. I wonder if there will be a song on the next record called "Sn0 Boi"?
Thankfully the sport of snowboarding has so far managed to avoid that fate. Let’s take a gander at that terrifying fall.

It was touch and go there for a minute, but apparently she lived. There's some good news though: the horse-faced lad from Nickelback is, to the best of our knowledge and all fingers-crossed, not a snowboarder.

Lisa Miskovsky
So there we were innocently searching for Swedish girls on the internet and one of them happening to have something to do with this article. Lisa has produced four albums, written an instantly forgettable song for the Backstreet Boys and was in the running to be the 2012 Eurovision Song Contest entry for Sweden. She’s also by far the best snowboarder on the list, because before her pop career she was in the Swedish national snowboard team. Here she is snowboarding in an amazingly tiny video exhibiting an unusual arm style strangely reminiscent of a kitten toying with a piece of wool. 
You’ll find her in the Swedish resort of Åre, which from my experience is the epicentre of the creation of the worst pizzas in the world.

Kylie Minogue
Filth
The pocket-sized popster (the photo above is to scale) is also a surprisingly good snowboarder according to the testimony of none other than, Christian Stevenson, the dulcet tones of the British snowboarding scene, in an interview with Red Bull.
I also hosted a snowboarding series for MTV with someone called Kylie Minogue, who let me tell you rips on a snowboard!”
RB: Kylie Minogue rips on a snowboard!?
CS: “Yeah man! People just don’t understand, she is insanely good on a snowboard and is pretty good on a skateboard too.”
RB: So let’s get this straight, you have Kylie’s number on your phone!
CS: (Laughing) “Used to but not anymore. Maybe the bed and the shower scene didn’t go down too well with my wife!!”
I can't shed any light on what that reference was about.
And if you’re a diminutive celebrity snowboarder here’swhere you head during the winter with your giant boyfriend:
POP princess Kylie Minogue whisked her new toy-boy lover off to the French Alps for the New Year.
The singer, 40, jetted to Chamonix-Mont-Blanc for a snowboarding break with Andres Velencoso Segura, 30.
Kylie and Spanish model Andres got together last October after she split up with Olivier Martinez. A source said: "They are really smitten with each other. It's lovely to see Kylie so happy.
"Kylie loves snowboarding and is pretty proficient. Andres has never been before - it's a mark of how much he likes her that he was prepared to go on holiday and do a sport he hadn't really done before."
The other day I played a game of darts with some blokes I barely know. I would like to state at this point that I did not play that game as a mark of how much I fancied them.

Pink
That's Pink and her on-and-off husband Carey Hart who's yet another confirmed celebrity snowboarder. All I've got on her snowboarding is this intriguing insight:
Pink and Carey Hart get cosy with a snowboarding trip to Mammoth, California. Pink spent time around New Years Eve in the snowy resort, but took time out to take pictures of an unfortunate man who was left hanging from the ski lift.


SISTAR
While the juggernaut that is Gangnam Star consumes the world of music it’s appropriate that our next bunch of prospective snowboarding popsters also hail for the musical madness of South Korea. In what must be the first official snowboard/pop industry hook-up the snowboard clothing company STL paid the SISTAR girls to promote their 2010 clothing line and as we've seen before snowboard fashion and photo posing in Korea is something quite special to behold. According to this article, "the girls were energetic throughout the shoot and brought a lively attitude to the photos with their charismatic posing." Now this is how all snowboard gear should be promoted...
Despite their keenness to promote the STL brand there’s no sign that any of the SISTARs actually snowboard so it’s a strange link-up.
But at least they know the sign language

Justin Bieber
Finally we come full circle and finish with another famous lesbian. That's a girl right? It's another spawn of Canada and in a double travesty you've just been exposed to a picture of a Canadian popster signing the dross that was a Bitch board. The Beibster is a confirmed snowboarder, and skier...and walker, the multi-talented whippersnapper.
Before heading back to the Big Apple for the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting, Justin Bieber unwound with a snowboarding lesson at Canyons Resort in Park City, Utah. After his lesson, the teen star was spotted skiing a bit and also walking around town
As well as Park City, and despite the fact he lives in a country entirely formed of snow, well snow and shit music (most memorably combined by the horrific rapper Snow), the misguided Biebernator recently sought out his snowboarding buzz in the unlikely venue of a snowdome in Manchester:  
After getting thousands of teenage hearts pounding with his two huge gigs at the M.E.N. Arena this week, it was time for pop sensation Justin Bieber to get a few thrills of his own here in Manchester.
First he headed to the indoor ski slope at Chill Factore next to the Trafford Centre, before heading down the road for a pitstop at the Daytona go-karting track.
Where he did his best Home Alone impression
And we'll finish, like any good snowboard article should, with a clip of Justin Bieber vomiting.

Merry Christmas


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Behold the magesty of South Korean snowboard fashion and posing. Seriously, someone needs to start importing this shit if the comments on that article are anything to go by.

Be like Pink and laugh at people falling of ski lifts.

Apart from Justin Bieber, The Badger-Faced Avril Lavigne, Nickelback and Snow, other horrific music acts Canada should be apologising for include; the Barenaked Ladies, Bryan Adams, the Crash Test Dummies, Alanis Morrisette, Drake and Celine Fucking Dion.


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The 12 Maddest Vintage Snowsports of Modern Mechanix Magazine

January 7, 2013, 6:56 am
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It's amazing humanity survived the early part of the last century  When they weren't busy filling their time with intermittent bouts of genocide, all-encompassing global conflicts and inventing weapons that could kill the planet, here's how people relaxed...


1929 - Max Valier & His Rocket Sledge
With a name like Max Valier you only have one destiny in life; to become the World's foremost rocket-powered badass.
Just to emphasise how cool the snow glider was they made sure to photograph it next to the campest ice skater  in all of  France.

As well as this rocket-powered sledge Max Valier also created an array of awesome rocket-powered cars and gliders as well as two rocket powered trains, one of which flew off the tracks and disintegrated, the other just exploded on the start line. Perhaps unsurprisingly he went on to fulfil his destiny when he suffered a bad case of death due to rocket-tinkering just one year later. 

1931 - Harry W Bull & His Even Faster Rocket Sled
Max Valier's premature demise didn't discourage this US student from building his very own rocket sledge a year later.
For safety I'll make the sled out of fabric

What the hell kind of course was this lad studying? I was suddenly tempted to go back to university, but apparently Syracuse University have since dropped their rocket-powered suicide course due to legal concerns.

1932 - Terraplaning
Snowboarding was influenced by surfing, so was this sport... 
Terraplaning, or Terrorplaning as we like to call it, is best performed graveyards to make cleaning up the corpses more convieniant for the survivors.

Unlike snowboarding terraplaning did not grow into a major sport. Either these six guys sobered up the next day and moved on with their lives or their sport died with them that afternoon.

1932 - Build Your Own Ice Zipper
By this point your probably sitting there wanting to know how to start building your own killer ice vehicle. Modern Machanix is here to help by providing the construction plans for you very own self-propelled skater-mincer.
That edition of the Modern Machanix How-to-Build-It magazine also provided handy instructions on how to construct a  blow torch from a vacuum cleaner.

For those of you who haven't decided to construct your own Ice Zipper and are therefore not dead, let's move on...

1933 - Motorcycle Ice Racing
The Mario Brothers furnish Modern Mechanix with yet another novel way of killing ice skaters.

1933 - The Invention of The Red Bull Crushed Ice Series
Continuing Modern Machanix apparent quest to kill all ice skaters, in 1933 they decided to turn their wrath towards children. In one part of a four page spread detailing numerous incredible ways to cut swathes through the child population of America they accidentally invented downhill skating.

1934 - Titanicberg
Apparently when the Titanic hit on that iceberg, the brief relationship spawned this...
As nuts as this plan was it was infinitely more sensible than the plan for global domination that they eventually decided to concentrate on.

1936 -Worm Screw Skidoo 
A machine so manly that you can actually get away with wearing red lacy stockings

This things works on the principle of Archimedes' Screw, named after the legendary Greek ladies man.


1938 - Motorcycle Tank
Going one better a Frenchman invented a similar machine, but upped the anti by planning to mount a machine gun on the front of his.
Le Juge Dredd

WWII could have had quite a different outcome if the French military was equipped with these things. Unfortunately the French focused their industrial might on the production of surrender scooters instead and we all know what happened next.

1938 - Midget Skis
In 1938 Modern Mechanix introduced this vicious combination of snow blades and roller skates. This kid is pure bully bait.
He's one happy midget

1940 - Bat Cape
"(it) is said to give the user the same sensation as a flight through space" according to the massive bullshitter Modern Mechanix employed as a staff-writer. 

The same technique was later employed by Batman himself 

1948 - The Jet Iceboat
And we finish, after coming full circle, with another rocket-powered sled. Some bad ideas never go out of fashion.
Reaction Motors Inc are the same guys who built the rockets that allowed Chuck Yeager to break the sound barrier. He used four rockets in his X-1 plane so this contraption with one of those puppies strapped to it would be a potent death machine

And there's were things go quiet on the Modern Mechanix front. The most probable reason for the sudden drop in crazy was that by 1949 every nutter on the planet had managed to kill themselves off thanks to their insane hobbies.

Most of these images come from the excellent site Modern Mechanix, a great blog that doesn't need any commentary because every single thing is insane.

Before we go let's head back to Europe with one final insane machine that somehow didn't feature in the skater/children hating pages of Modern Mechanix magazine...

1922 - The Chainsaw Skate For Child-Mangling
Putain!

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The Awesome History of The Snowterbike

This article was the last in a three part series looking at these weird old science magazines. Here's Part 1 - Popular Mechanics, and here's Part 2- Popular Science


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Snowboarding’s 10 Worst Crowd Funding Ideas

January 18, 2013, 6:06 am
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If you've come up with a cunning plan to create the greatest snowboard company ever seen, the first thing you'll need is money. Traditionally your options were limited to breaking open your piggy bank, borrowing money from your friends or family, prostrating yourself in front of your bank manager, taking up some sort of  criminal endeavour, or being publicly humiliated on Dragon's Den/Shark Tank. Nowadays though there's a new option for any poor-orphaned-friendless-pround-honest-shy people out there: crowd funding. 

Take your brilliant idea, stick it on a site like Kickstarter or Indiegogo, and sit back while billions of potential investors throw cash at you. So far 43 snowboarding ideas have gone through this approach and here's our 10 favourite doomed attempts...



10. Backcountry 

The gravelly-voiced Adam Thompson, who apparently lives in an elevator, was looking for $23,500 to fund the production of this completely unfathomable board game.
He brought in just $76 of funding, which on the upside was $1 more than...


9. BUMZ 
Graeme Park, self-styled 'Visionary and Producer', and designer of BUMZ snowboard pants, was looking for $6,000 to move his idea to production.
Novelty ski hats for your crotch
He was largely ignored.


8. The Great Sticker Company
Kassidy Kase of Batesville Indiana was looking for a paltry $150 to set up their 'skate/snowboard/surf sticker shop'...
"I am looking for a small amount of money to help get my skateboard/snowboard/surf sticker selling business started. Once I get enough money I am wanting to eventually begin making my own stickers and selling them. I am also wanting to add more items of stock to my business such as selling t-shirts, hats, etc. Any amount of money will help and be greatly appreciated."

Despite being the least ambitious project to ever hit Kickstarter, Kassidy garnered zero dollars of backing.


7. Skateboard. SAFE, FUN, EASY TO LEARN. Krainkn Snowboard too.
Kevin Rains was looking for a $15,000 investment to produce his pointless skateboarding invention and snowboarding afterthought. To really get the most out of this video it's worth noting that in the UK 'cranking' is a term that means to cry and wank at the same time. 
He didn't reach his funding goals because the product was absolute crank.


6. AMPLITUDE. Sauces, Seasonings and Jerky!
The mysterious chefs behind AMPLITUDE were looking for $5,000 to help them bring their range of snowboarding inspired sauces; JIB SAUCE and NollieQ, to the public.
No explanation was given as to how or why snowboarding has inspired it's first ever sauce. Equally there was no guidance on what a snowboard sauce would taste like. They did however promise a nice sideline range of apparel and a beer cosy.
 
They were pledged just $601 dollars, but despite the set-back they are apparently still forging on with the idea and have an active Twitter account. 


5. SWURV: The New X-Sports / Snowboarding Lifestyle Brand!
34 year-old Lenny Zaytsev and his trusty copy of Microsoft Paint was looking for $1,000 of funding to take over the world with his new snowboard apparel brand.
People gave SWURV the swerve in their droves and the brand missed it's $1,000 goal by $1,000.


4. Free Trip To Alaska 
Libby Redepenning wants you to give her $650 so she can go to Tailgate Alaska and have a good time. In return for you contribution she will "email you the photos and video we get from the trip". For anyone who contributes a hefty $300 you'll also receive "a pair of 7.5 snowboard boots", but there's no detail on what sort of boots they are or whether they are new or second-hand.
If you are a lady wanting to buy a mystery pair of boots for $300 then this is your opportunity. There's 59 more days to go and no one's beaten you to them yet. 


3. Edge Risers 
Eriks Strals and his dad are looking for $6,000 to launch "a new type of binding accessory" that's been introduced many, many times before over many, many years by many, many people with no success. Still maybe this time...
There project is still open for pledges (although to tell you a secret, they won't make it) until January the 28th and in an exciting update to the project they are planning yet more inventiveness in the future:
"Keep in mind that once this kickstarter finishes I will hopefully be getting together another kickstarter for making some awesome new Edge Risers with LED's in them so you can light up on the hill and looks really awesome! How cool would it be to glow red while going down the hill at night?"


2. LED Color Changing Snowboard
Anticipating Eriks' question, magicologists Nason, Max & Mike were looking for $48,500 to make their LED stickers and filing-cabinet sized electronics box a reality.
Unfortunately they did not achieve their funding goals, proving once and for all that snowboards don't have a secret desire to be Rainbow Brite.


1. Snow Bunnies Restaurant
Mike Nelson and his mate Brian were looking for an almighty $250,000 to set-up their breastaurant. To encourage people to hand over A QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS! they produced this video:
They generated 0.4% of the funding they were looking for, which means that despite all evidence some mug still thought this idea was worth $1,000.




The Happy Ending.
Thankfully for the future of snowboarding not everyone produced such epically bad ideas. 6 people have been successful so far (4 of 25 on Kickstarter and 2 of 28 on Indiegogo) and of those this is our favourite one.

SOLOSHOT - Go Film Yourself... Automatically
Last year these guys were looking for £50,000 and they were handed $73,374 for this nifty device.
And they are now open for business if you fancy one for yourself.



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Our look at the world of Etsy.com

BUMZ was an idea from a guy based in the UK who continues a the proud tinkering history of a nation. Here's our article on the strange history of British snowboarding inventions.


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Win Big with Nokia x Burton & Illicit

January 25, 2013, 2:28 am
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I'm flying off to cover the Burton European Open (otherwise known as the BEO - pronounced BeeYeow!) at the start of February courtesy of some fine fellows at Nokia. There you go readers, proof that all you have to do is write a blog for 5 years, and put in approximately 1,600 hour's (the equivalent of 200 working days) of work and things will start happening for you. Before you all rush off to start your own blog though, there's a much shorter-term opportunity to get an even better deal for just a few days of effort you might be interested in...


Calling all arty types; photographists, vidographers and drawers...
Nokia and Burton US are inviting creative enthusiasts from around the world to submit films, photographs or artwork inspired by the subculture and lifestyle of snowboarding. Participants should capture the snowboarding spirit either on and off the slopes and draw inspiration from the associated music, fashion, artwork and culture.
That's an incredibly open brief that gives you the opportunity to win an all expenses trip to the US Open, get published in a magazine, nab a Nokia 920 phone and pocket $1,000 of cash. It's all got to be submitted by the end of the month so get a wriggle on. Here's the place to get more details and submit your stuff.

Like all good art, it's going to be judged mercilessly, this time by the awesomely named Blotto Gray and his sidekick Gabe L'Heureux  (or Gabe The Happy One as he's known in English). If you're looking for something to wow those guys with, then here's some inspiration from some articles we've previously covered.

This painting of a peaceful mountain scene...
From our review of Etsy

This painting capturing the movement and majesty of snowboarders in flight...
From our review of noted French artist Pascal Jean Delorme's work


Or, this study of a snowboarding astronaut with a bad case of exploding-cock.
From our review of Fine Art America

If you're looking for some photography inspiration, the key thing is apparently the ability to talk complete nonsense and we've briefly covered that in this article.

Finally, for any movie makers out there, here are some genuine thoughts on what you could do in our article looking at the current state of snowboard movies.

Go good luck guys, to give you a final bit of inspiration here's what the marketeers at Burton have to say about it:

"We stand sideways. We sleep on floors in cramped resort hotel rooms. We get up early and go to sleep late. We've been mocked. We are relentless. We dream it, we make it, we break it, we fix it. We create. We destroy. We wreck ourselves day in and day out and yet we stomp that one trick or find that one line that keeps us coming back. We progress. We Snowboard." Burton
Seriously, when did We start talking like this?

Enter Now



There's more...
As part of my coverage of the BEO I'll be utilising a Nokia 820 (which retails for £320 or $400) and at the end of the event we'll be giving it away to some lucky person.
*probably not this colour, will be very slightly used, will come complete with strange photos of Laax and blurry shots of vaguely famous snowboardists.

It also will come complete with it's very own tiny sleeping bag...
* again could be a completely different colour or design, but you get the rough idea now.

Keep an eye out between the 4th and 9th of February for your chance to win the phone. I'm working on the details, but it will probably be some sort of caption competition, so if your the editor of Snowboarder Magazine then this ain't going to be one for you.

This post is brought to you by the letter J, the sound BeeYeow! and the folks at Nokia.




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The Übermap of Dirty Ski Resort Names

February 4, 2013, 7:07 am
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This week, for a rare change of focus we've headed off to the Burton European Open in Laax, courtesy of Nokia, to attempt some live event reporting. So far things haven't got off to a great start, the first two days of qualification have had to be cancelled due to high winds and a dumping of fresh snow. The only thing happening on the course today was me cutting some fresh tracks right down the middle of it.

So in a change to our anticipated schedule of dry event reporting and tedious interviews, we've decided to pay homage to the other great feature of the BEO...the fact that it all takes place on a mountain called Crap.
There's a whole hour of winterwanderwegging Crap to the right.

And this great feature of Laax, along with a lethal combination of puerile minds with too much spare time, inevitably started us thinking of other dubiously named mountains, resorts and ski trails like the gloriously seedy...

So, in what must be the best piece of event reporting from the BEO you're going to get, we brought all the names into one convenient format, and are proud to bring you - The Übermap of Dirty Ski Resort Names...


Click on the picture if you want to expand the map and feel free to share it around.

Just clearing up some possible confusion for our UK audience: I had to squeeze the fanny references into the arse section because I had a surfeit vagina references, so that's worked out nicely for our American audience.

All of these names are genuinely used by the ski resorts and can be found on their respective resort maps. Here's the names and where they come from if you fancy riding them or slipping down them or whatever floats your boat.

Mountains
Beaver Creek - (USA)
Big Horn Mountain - (USA)
Blue Knob - (USA)
Crap - Laax (Switzerland)
Nub’s Nob - (USA)
Pine Knob - (USA)
Powderhorn - (USA)
Titcomb Mountain - (USA)  

Trails
The Big Woody - Sunshine Village (USA)
Cleavage - Sunshine Village (USA)
Climax - Park City (USA)
Cougar Milk - Whistler Blackcomb (Canada)
The Curtains - Mount Hood Meadows (USA)
Devil’s Crotch - Breckenridge (USA)
Devil’s Fiddle - Killington (USA)
Fagina - Plas de la Casa (Andorra)
Fanny Hill - Roundtop (USA)
Fanny’s Finish - Mt Buller (Australia)
Glory Hole - There's one of these in Whitefish & Park City & Alta (USA)
Goatsucker Glade - Sunshine Village (USA)
Gobbler’s Knob - Ragged Mountain (USA)
Good Finger - Discovery Ski Area (USA)
Hairbag Alley - Vail (USA)
Jersey Cream - Whistler Blackcomb (Canada)
Johnson’s Warm Up - Alta (USA)
King Richard's Willy Nilly (or King Dick's Willy Nilly) - Peek ‘n Peak (USA)
Mary’s Nipple - Grand Targhee (USA)
Nasty Gash - Grand Targhee (USA)
Organgrinder – Sugarbush (USA)
Spanky’s Ladder - Whistler Blackcomb (Canada)
Stimulation - Alta (USA)
Throbulator - Burke (USA)
Tillicum (till-i-cum) - Mount Hood Meadows (USA)
Willie Wynkin Woodlands - Peek ‘n Peak (USA)

Areas
Beaver Run Base Area - Breckenridge (USA)
Big Air Fukuoka - indoor slope (Japan)
Cockaigne (for sale) - (USA)
Whakapapa (pronounced fakapapa) - (New Zealand)


Weirdly Laax isn't alone in its obsession with crap, the alpine folks in general can't get enough of it...
FFS CRAP - LOL 

Thanks to the fine folks at Nokia for funding our trip to Crap and allowing us to bring this level of highbrow journalism to the Burton European Open.


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The Burton European Open 2013 - All the really important bits from days 1-4

February 7, 2013, 3:19 am
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I've been here since Sunday getting into the spirit of this event. It's the first time I've gone out of my way to go to one of these competitions. Here's what I've found so far...

Day One
powderday. These guys traipsing up through the snowpark were the highlight of day one of the qualifications.

I went snowboarding.

Day Two
High winds closed the top of the mountain forced the Nokia folks to produce a very minimalist approach to their stand. 
Just a coffee urn and a dance floor.
I went snowboarding.

Day Three 
This was the first day the event made some progress. The Nokia guys got their tent up, I watched for a bit and then I went snowboarding.

Here are the ten most important things you need to know about what happened on the third day.

Important Thing Number 1
Shaun White is here

When he's finished his Bar Tegia Larnags party he's off to front this awesome looking gig.

Then Shaun White's getting his hair cut again

Then he'll be starring in your nightmares.


Important Thing Number 2
I tried to interview Jamie 'Guttermounth' Nicholls, but he just wouldn't stop dropping the f bombs so I had to scratch that.


Important Thing Number 3
Look at the fucking size of this bloke's one...
They're selling a 222cm snowboard made by Radical in on one of the shops. For a sense of scale I asked the shop guy to stand awkwardly next to it. He fulfilled the task competently.
It's your's for just £2,000 if you like snowboarding, but don't like turning or being able to take it on lifts.

The same store had this in the window.
I bought this ensemble immediately.



Important Thing Number 4
This is how the Swiss buy their eggs.
The Swiss egg marketers have to pull out all the stops to compete with the food behemoth that is Toblerone, which has an entire rack to itself in the little local supermarket.


While we're on the topic of chocolate...
Just me?



Important Thing Number 5
I've been snowboarding for years and seeing these guys shit on everything I've ever managed is more than a bit humbling. On the plus side, all of these professional snowboarders are so incredibly dinky, it's made me feel like a giant. Those pictures you see of the professional snowboarders in the magazines... actual size.


Important Thing Number 6
Figuring out what this was...



Important Thing Number 7
Have you ever seen a piste map with this level of restaurant detail before?
Proof that Laax is the poshest resort I've ever been to. 

Important Thing Number 8
The official poster of the Burton European Open is plastered everywhere. This guy's face is really starting to freak me out.
Don't even ask me to explain the crotch.

Important Thing Number 9
Watch out for Samuel L Jackson wheelying his BMX.


Important Thing Number 10
Watch out for....!?!
This sign was confusing, the lady I started spooning as we went through the barriers didn't seem to think I interpreted it correctly.


Day Four
It's snowing again, pretty much everything is cancelled. I'm off snowboarding.


These photos and my presence here were brought to you by Nokia. My journalism and photography skills, not their fault.


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Our first bit of event coverage - The Übermap of Dirty Ski Resort Names

Some more event coverage - Twitter Bombing #skishow2012



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Nokia X Burton & The Dangers of Democracy

February 9, 2013, 3:04 am
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A couple of weeks ago we mentioned an art competition Nokia and Burton are running. That competition is now at the public voting stage so we decided to see how things were progressing. There was good news, bad news and sphincter-looseningly-terrifying news. The good news is that 391 people entered into the competition, the bad news is that I had to wade through 391 entries to write this article, and the sphincter-looseningly-terrifying news is that now it has come to the public vote some of the most intense crap we've ever seen is somehow winning the vote. Democracy is taking one hell of a beating, and it needs your help...

The winner of the people's choice award wins a brand new Nokia #Lumia920 smartphone and a Burton snowboard. A nice prize and at the moment that prize is going to...
This crappy picture of a natty-hatted bearded lady jumping on the spot. Somehow this has garnered 711 votes.

It's a pitiful start and unfortunately it doesn't end there. Second place is currently defiled with an incredibly dull video, and in third there's this picture of an suspiciously Photoshopped invisible Armenian...

This Instagram snap of a girl snogging a snowboard is in the top 10.

There's a fucking skier in the top 20 of a snowboarding competition.

And this is in the top 50...

Somehow the voting for this competition has been overrun by drooling nutters. Democracy is failing on levels only usually experienced in Italian politics. But there is hope my friends. With 391 submissions there are a few that are worth a look and there's still time for you to make a difference. Here's our top 10 ranked according to their current votes. See if you can back any of these and bring some sanity back to this competition...

The Top 10 Good Arty Things:

This person has actually made something. Remember when people did that? It's got 603 votes so far and it's rather lovely.

This video has 114 votes. It's not brilliantly finished, but it's a really nice idea.

I haven't seen an explosion of powder like this since the agency party I went to in London last week.

Girl kissing a snowboard, 10 seconds of effort, impressive illustration of a bloke snowboarding on a log, days of work. 10 seconds of crap - 583 votes, days of art - 72 votes.

Look at this. Just look at it....... 30 votes.
Click here to see the detailed version

Here's a man who's followed the brief. He's even managed to find a way to use that horrible marketing bollocks. This mountain looks tantalizing.

I featured it at the top. A great bit of photography by Guillaume le Guillou, who's got to be looking at those first entries and thinking about killing himself. Help prevent a needless death.

Another great photograph, this time by Jeff freaking Curtes of Nico Freaking Muller.

A fearsomely ropey flame thrower snowboard, every video should have one. It puts Signal's Every Third Thursday to shame. 12 votes for the flame thrower snowboard, 137 for a picture of a horse.

The very swashbuckling sounding Simon Riviere, submitted this nice bit of work, I was admiring in the latest Whitelines. It's a bit cheeky he's submitted something he was contracted to produce, but still its bloody excellent. Perhaps is wasn't helped by his every understated sale pitch; "An art I arted to promote a snowboard event".

So there you go people. Get involved, You have until February 13th, just a few more days to try and regain  some sanity and justice back to democracy. There's a link to each submission above and you can see to whole lot here if you want to gain a new level of hatred for GoPro and the swathes of shit they have managed to unleash on the Internet. I'm going to spend the rest of the weekend furiously mashing away at the voting buttons.

Before I go, here are three other submissions that stood out amongst the tsunami of crap.


The WTF Section

"Oh.. i am lost" By Mila Respa

Oh i am lost .
But : NO PROBLEM , i have my NOKIA snowboard ready.


"Noah's Ark is snowboarding on Mount Ararat" By Anahit Vart

From Bible: Noah's Ark floated to and fro in the four directions on the waters, making the sign of the cross, before eventually landing on Mount Ararat in the east, in the land of the sons of Raban.


"arina balerina- dancehall in the mountaits" By Arina Balerina

hey!! this video from Russia, Krasnaya Polyana! i like dancing and snowboarding!!
cool idea to join them together!)


This article was brought to you by Nokia and the letter J.


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What happened in the Burton European Open this year.



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Nokia Giveaway Caption Comp

February 12, 2013, 5:40 am
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Nokia gave me a phone for the Burton European Open coverage and now it's time to give it away. I promised to do this before I got the phone and after a few days of playing with it I'm regretting that decision, but my mistake is someone else's gain.

Here's what you can win:

 - A Nokia820 in red (worth £320 or $400) 
 - A tiny Nokia x Burton sleeping bag
 - A BeeYeow t-shirt - Size Mediaum
 - And a Burton BeeYeow 2013 bobble hat

Crappy photo taken with my iPhone
To win this swag all you have to do is write a caption for this photo on our Facebook page. 
Click here to visit the Facebook page 

I'll pick a winner on Monday 18th February. Good luck.


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Classic Snowboards - The Snurfer Era

February 21, 2013, 5:55 am
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After all the excitement of recent weeks and the sudden proliferation of posts, we're finally back to our more sedate weeklyish article rate. This week to simulate your eyes I've arted a pretty poster depicting some of the very first snowboards; a time when snowboards still weren't called snowboards and when they were so savage they all had to be controlled by leash....

Before we get to the poster here's a look at the various snowboards.
The Snurfer was created by a chap called Sherman Poppen on Christmas day in 1965 to entertain his kids. It was produced in roughly the same format for over a decade and hundreds of thousands were sold, before it was superseded by more advanced snowboards in the late 70s.

Another version of the Snurfer, just because.

The skateboard company Nash produced a copy of of the Snurfer in 1969 hoping to cash in on the trend.

Next into the game was the Snookie. Mimicking surfboards they introduced a wooden fin to try and add some control.


 A year later the Snow Skimmer used metal fin.


Things ticked a long for a number of years with the original Snurfer dominating the small market and with little innovation until in the mid seventies when Jake Burton started to push the idea further. At the same time other pioneers were attacking the same problem, taking their inspiration form surfing and skateboarding and  producing snowboards which didn't have control leashes, but Burton was directly influenced by the original Snurfer. His first boards from 1977 look very similar to the earlier boards, but a year later he'd added some bindings, some nifty little side plates and a shit load of branding to produce the BB1.

This was a turning point in the history of snowboarding. Burton's early boards represented the end of this era of leash controlled snurfers; bindings developed quickly and took over and by 1983 Burton had dropped the leash altogether. When Jake Burton produced his very first boards he called then Snurfboards before a little bit of patent laywering put and end to that and he started calling them snowboards instead, and that my friends, was pretty much the end of the snurfer era. 

In March last year a BB1 Londonderry board was sold for an incredible $11,211. If you haven't got $11,211 to splash on an original one to adorn your wall then here's your chance to get a poster of, not one, but five of these historic boards for a hell of a lot less... 


In Other Snowboard Art News...
Adam Haynes produced a great poster the other day that you can acquire from the Asymbol Gallery.

And if you haven't seen it yet this animated video that was released last week is genius.



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We've made some snowboard posters before and they're selling like.... things that occasionally sell. See what you think.



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Snowboarding is not a spectator sport, but it could be?

March 7, 2013, 7:44 am
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A few weeks ago I went out to the Burton European Open and somehow managed to avoid mentioning the actual competition in any of the coverage. I didn't do that purely because I'm a contrary git; when I agreed to go on the trip I fully intended to find some way of writing something interesting about it, but I just couldn't find any angle. I didn't just struggle to find something to write, I struggled to even have the patience to watch the event, and judging by the coverage of the bloggers that went to the US Open last week I'm not the only one to hit this problem. The main thing my trip confirmed is that snowboarding is a horrible sport for spectators. In fact along with the day I once wasted at a cricket match and some hours spent watching my life tick past at a major league baseball game, attending the BEO is now in my top three worst spectator experiences of all time...


...Apart from the time I tried high fiving Eric Cantona
Not that I had a bad time, I actually had really good time, but I'm not your standard punter, I was fortunate to know some other people at the event and that changed the whole dynamic. For the people in the snowboard industry these events are really good value; you catch-up with friends while spending your time snowboarding, getting drunk and talking shit. The guys that organise these events are part of this group and because of that the things that they care most about like the quality of the course, the parties and the TV coverage have seriously improved over the years. However outside of this group the experience of the other 90% of people that go to these events who aren't hooked in to the network, snowboard competitions are dry. It's hard for the first group to understand the needs of the second. As the sport has grown what was once a small bunch of like minded people enjoying a shared event has broken into two groups, the inner circle and the punters. The second group is not a group that should be ignored, they make up the bulk of snowboarders and they're the ones who fund the competitions either through ticket sales or being the focus of the sponsor's attentions.

In the time I saved by not watching the event and while I was out snowboarding instead, I mulled over the problem and here are a few ideas on how things could be improved.


If everyone looks the same, who do you support?
One of the reasons why more people watch the Olympics instead of other competitions is that it comes complete with the handy benefit of nationalistic fervour, which automatically gives the audience someone to support. Outside of the Lympics, and without a country to get behind, things get a little tougher for the spectators. Most people don't know much about each rider, but to complicate things a bit more all the riders are tiny bebibbed folks wearing helmets and goggles and spinning around all over the shop, how are you supposed to tell them apart? The only way you can tell the men and women apart is that they aren't competing at the same time. At a live event where there's no handy TV pundits to give you back stories and remind you whose the rider under the layers of gear its almost impossible to keep track of things or give a shit.
I'm supporting the one with the black bib with his hand up

Pick a colour
What we need is for the riders to be easily identifiable by a person in a crowd a good distance from the event and a numbered bib isn't going to cut it. Another sport that has a similar problem of being both dull and at a distance is horse racing and the solution is the same: easily identifiable gear for each jockey. One guy who seems to understand this and who's considerably less stupid than you might think when you cop an eyeful of his getup is Shaun White, he of the jazzy leotards. He's made sure he's instantly recognisable to the audience by wearing something completely unique. Every snowboarder should be trying the same thing and sporting a unique style of clothing, and there's plenty of routes other than tight pants such as going ultra-baggy or wearing a silly hat. One of the better opportunities, instead of just wearing the generic clothing currently supplied by their sponsors, would be to claim a colour. In fact they could go even better and turn themselves into a brand with both a defined colour and a logo. The important thing is to pick something that is obvious from a distance and stick with it for a long time until you're instantly recognisable to anyone. It's something every football team does for the same reason, and like every football team there's an additional opportunity for each rider to flog their own brand t-shirts and beanies, allowing the supporters to buy the gear and feel like they're involved. Supporting a rider is something people would get more involved in than their current options of supporting a brand or a drinks company.
Instantly identifiable, yes, but it's unlikely his fans will be buying the replica pants

It would be interesting for someone to give snowboarder brands try, but anything that allows the audience to give more of a shit about the riders would improve things. You could for example split the audience into two and get each side to either support goofy or regular riders. Skiing has cow bells, cricket has fancy dress and ice hockey has riots, what prop could snowboarding have? However you do it, getting spectators more involved in the event is something our sport desperately needs, speaking of which...


There's a reason watching paint dry sucks
People go to soccer games to shout racist abuse, they go to darts matches to get drunk and they go to NASCAR to get hit by flying debris. Spectators have a far better time when they are able to get involved with the event.  It's especially hard to entertain snowboarders just by doing things in front of their eyes because for obvious reasons snowboarders tend to be doers rather than watchers, just look at the shape of them compared to the followers of the aforementioned sports.
Do you think they'll be able to reach us up here?

The traditional solution to make a snowboarding event interactive is for some irritating MC to constantly demand the audience to make some noise, but this isn't a good long-term solution for anyone's sanity. To make things interactive people have to be able to more than just shout on command, they need to use their minds a wee bit.

Get people involved
Each year in the UK millions of people watch a single horse race, a sport that people wouldn't normally watch unless they were promised a field of Lady Godivas. One of the two reasons people watch the Grand National is because they've been roped into a sweepstake and there's now some external jeopardy for them that enhances the experience. How's about doing the same thing at a snowboard event? £1 of each ticket goes into a pot, each ticket has a rider on it, if you rider wins you win cash money? It instantly gives every person in the crowd a rider to support and would be worth a try. The other reason that people watch the Grand National is because there's an incredible level of horse murder involved, but that's probably not something we should look at replicating.
Moments later the vet was forced to put this snowboarder out of their mystery

Stickers and cold coffee
Nokia were a sponsor of the BEO and they paid for me to go there, which was a brilliant idea, however I was less clear on the rest of their strategy at the event. They had some banners around the place, but the bulk of their effort went on their tent where they handed out cold coffee and stickers to small kids. It struck me that Nokia stickers and cold coffee was not really something the audience were crying out for and not something that would encourage them to consider purchasing a Nokia the next time they accidentally drop their iPhone down the loo. There must be a better way for a sponsor like Nokia to get involved and interact with the audience.
and it shouldn't involve doing that
Next time how about Nokia organise an audience vote and competition and bring a bit of reality TV voting to snowboarding? The crowd vote on their favourite trick via text, Nokia display the results on the big screen and then they hand out some prizes at the end. The audience would get more involved in the competition, they'd would have more fun and it's an activity (texting) that Nokia is identified with, so ultimately the audience will go away with much stronger memory of the brand. Both sides benefit, the event is improved and everybody is happy.

Anyway you get this point, let's move on...


Standardisation, the creativity killer
Over recent years snowboard tour competitions have become more and more standardised in terms of the course designs, rankings and judging. On the whole that's been a really important development for the sport, but there is one major drawback; the more these events are standardised, the less differentiation there is between them. Outside of the likes of Air & Style and SuperUltraMegaNatural, today's snowboard event calendar is a series of identikit competitions that seem to blur into each other. If you've seen one of these competitions you've seen them all, so what would encourage supporters to come back for more?
Standardisation is easy to understand, but doesn't necessarily produce the best solutions

Unique like a snowflake. 
Even with the confines of the standards these competitions have to stick to it is possible to be unique. Each event needs to find their own twist that would make it interesting to the rest of the world. That's not just a case of sticking the competition in a unique place, because to be frank one mountain with snow on it is pretty much like any other, it needs to be something really creative in the format or style. Once you've got your angle you need to really go for it.

I've been to the London Freeze Festival a couple of times and their angle is the snowboarding with live bands, but weirdly they never really joined the two things together. The music and the snowboarding are a couple of hundred meters apart and at different times of the day which makes it feel like you're staggering around two entirely unconnected events. If they fully embraced this idea and found some way of bodging the two things together so that they compliment each other, this event could be seriously good. Getting the musicians and snowboards to riff off each other at the same time would be something to see and it would still be the same competition format. It's just a case of pushing the unique idea a lot harder.

There are events out there that are doing something different, next month's Shaun White fronted High Roller Hold 'Em big air comp at Heavenly looks interesting. Each rider draws cards to see what tricks they have to pull each run. Not much of a change to the standard format, but enough to add something for the audience to get into as long as they get to see the draw. There's the opportunity to try and bring a bit of creativity to more competitions and if it could be done it would be excellent.

The BEO has an difference in that the competition goes on for a week and anyone can enter, but the benefits of that aren't clear to the spectators, because all the less experienced riders get knocked out so early on that the finals were still just made up of the standard invited riders.It must be possible to use those advantages to a much better effect. What more could be done in a week? What more could be done with the open format?


Snowboarding is not a spectator sport, but with some creativity it could be
Creativity is a big feature of snowboarding, let's see if we can use some more of it on our events. There could be an event which merges art and snowboarding. We could have a pairs half pipe competition, or two slopestyle courses with riders simultaneously battling each other in a knock out tournament. What about building a slopestyle course where the audience gets to sit in the middle of the run? How about having ex-pros teaching people tricks in the smaller park next door?

If we can produce more engaging experiences for our spectators there's an opportunity for snowboarding  We're competing for audience with sports like skiing, surfing and skateboarding, and they all have the same issue. Action sports in general have not cracked this problem yet, as the recent demise of Fuel TV has highlighted. What do we need to do to start cutting into the success that more mainstream sports have in the area? We should at least be able to beat baseball for fucks sake.
After three hours of baseball-induced unconsciousness Dave was suddenly battered back into unconsciousness.

Next time...less words.

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Search

Bringing Sexy Back – What we can learn from vintage snowmobile fashion

March 14, 2013, 7:29 am
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I was just reading the last magazine of the season from those part-timers at Whitelines and in it there was an article by Chris Moran about the current state of snowboarding fashion. At the end he asked; “If anyone has any ideas as to how to make snowboarding irresistibly sexy again, please write”. Well Chris, funnily enough, we have the answer…

And the answer is vintage snowmobile fashion. Feast your eyes on this amazing array of Ski-Doo accessories and in particular cop and eyeful of this fedora...
Snowboarding needs more yellow fedoras immediately. Also while we're at it, we also need furry yellow booties and Balaclavas that make us look like bananas
The most sinister set of high-wasted beige pants ever produced, the inspiration for Kill Bill and another look at those incredible boots.

The Ski-Doo fashion catalogue comes complete with creepy chat-up lines... 

"Oh yeah pretty lady, this is where the action is"

How you Ski-Dooin'?


An innocent enough picture of a lady dressed like a Scottish clown
...is made so much more smutty by the addition of this headline.


Head-to-toe corduroy on a giant women

She's Toxic
The bib is back, high waisted snow pants are in and the wet-look is going to blow your tiny little minds.

Eskimo ensemble bottom right, immediately.

Nick, left, wears the new Ski-Doo Sports Adventure wet-look suit with zip-off waist, MC Hammer action pants and a massive erection.

Talking about hammers, ever noticed how sexy they are? 
Get a hammer now and instantly become a magnet for badly dressed honeys.

Matching rainbow onesies. Hot

But, rather inconveniently there are no matching pants. Also One-Finger Mitts sound like a good idea.


Anywhere you need a snowmobile to get to is not a sensible place to locate a bus stop

I think I'll risk the danger and go it alone thanks guys.



While we're on sexism...



Strangely the porn mags were much more subdued back then.

But they sure love snowmobiling, because it was so damn sexy.


But that's enough of scantily-clad ladies reclining on snowmobiles. Going back to Chris' article he also had this to say - "There used to be a time when our sport was so attractive that people of every creed, sex and nationality eyed it up salaciously and felt an uncontrollable desire to mate with it."

The real lesson we need to learn to bring sexy back to snowboarding comes from this man...

The Sexiest Man That Ever Lived
He's got the clothes...

...he's got the moustache...

...he's got the ladies...

...he's got the chat-up lines...

 ...he's got the mesmerising stare...

...and he's got 3 new ways to 'doo it!

The mustachioed lothario has got it all, and you've got the uncontrollable desire to mate with him. Fact. 

Chris Moran - problem solved.

Before we go there is a final cautionary tale that we can also learn from snowmobiling's sexy years. Taken too far, there is a point when sexy just becomes a bit rapey. 

Most of these fashion gems come thanks to a classic slice of the Internet; one man’s quest to upload huge swathes of excellent information to an almost unusable website. The site is called ‘David’s Vintage Snowmobile Page’ and it can be found on the catchy domain www.vintagesnowmobiles.50megs.com.

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Is Louie Vito a Dwarf? And some other things we learned from Google Instant

March 19, 2013, 7:19 am
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A few years back Google Instant was launched, the feature that tries to anticipate what you're trying to search for while you type. When it launched the Google marketeers promoted it with three key benefits; faster searches, smarter predictions and instant results. What they didn't mention is that it also has some downsides; 1. if you write a blog called Illicit Snowboarding you'll spend the next few years being exposed to some of the most heinous shit on the internet every time you start searching for the site, and 2. it consistently feeds you unwanted insights into the squalid mind of the internet. This week we used Google Instant to find the questions that the internet is asking about snowboarding and here's what we learned...

Not too bad a start, that's three good things and one bad thing. Strangely the main culprits behind the 'snowboarders are douchebags' results are a company making bags for skiers. Douchebags are the brainchild of prime ski douchebagger Jon Olsson, the one man on the internet who regrets the naming of his site more than I do. It's the naming equivalent of a dad joke; it's mildly funny the first time you hear it, but after the same joke is repeated incessantly it quickly loses it's mirth and just becomes an implement of mental torture.
Douchebags - So you can become the lonely front-half of a pantomime horse.

Like snowboarders, skiers have a three to one result, just with an additional bit of internet homophobia thrown in for good measure. I'd be pretty happy with that result if is wasn't for that damned last point. If you're reading this article and you're a crappy lover go away immediately and start practising, you're letting down the team. If on the other hand your are already a sexual god please feel free to proceed.

The existential question
'Are skis faster than snowboarders?' ... Depends how well coached the skis are.

For anyone with any other existential questions perhaps this is the answer
Jesus Christ is good at search engine optimisation, but oddly not the best. 
There's a niche I hadn't anticipated needed filling, but into the apparent moral breach step the organisation Snowboarders & Skiers for Christ, or SFC for short if you want to use their worryingly dyslexic acronym. Here's their reason to exist:

There are millions of teens and young adults in the ski and snowboard industry who long for acceptance, community, and ultimately identity. Unfortunately, many of these young people search for these things in all the wrong places: in ever-passing trends, the glamour of being a “pro” rider, parties and one-night-stands. Inevitably, many run into a variety of problems—substance addictions, STDs, abortions, poverty, physical injury, loneliness and depression—that are often the result of trying to find meaning and purpose in an unsustainable lifestyle. We at SFC USA recognize that there a lot of hurting “shredders” in our ski towns. In response, we desire to turn skiing and snowboarding—a selfish pastime for many—into a powerful tool to reach these young people with the life-changing Gospel of Jesus Christ.


Wow, if I'd only known about this Jesus Christ fella before, I wouldn't be the lonely, broken, homeless, STD-riddled-depressive that I am today. I'd still have all these illegitimate kids though, so it wouldn't have been the complete solution.

While we're on a downer how's about this...
This one is in no way funny, it's just a completely insane story I've only just come across thank's to this search  Have a read of the white label.
Picture via Vintage Ski
The case is infamous for the National Enquirer's sensationalist coverage which included the headline "I Cut Out Her Heart And Stomped On It" and featured a picture of Sonja McCaskie's corpse. Stay classy.

Let's move onto something a lot less murdery

'Why do skiers get sunburned on their chins?' ... They all have upside-down faces.

'Why are snowboarders called knuckle draggers?' ... It's probably Kim Kircher's fault.

'Snowboarding isn't cool it's awesome.' ... In one foul swoop Burton manage to destroy any credibility snowboarding had left after the revelation that we're a bit crap in bed.

Burton is the villain

Next up let's take a look at what Google Instant tells us about some of those glamorous "pro" riders that are leading us all astray.
People seem to be obsessed with whether snowboarders are married or dead. I guess that either its stalky girls wanting to find out what their chances are in hooking up with a pro snowboarder, or is stalky blokes checking on the status of the snowboarders so they know when they can have a crack at the stalky girls.


Female snowboarders don't seem to get the same type of attention.

People also seen to be interested in whether Travis Rice and Shaun White are having a carnal relationship

Shaun White is exposed to the same stalking that pretty much every other male pro-snowboarder receives  but with a bit of additional hate thrown in for good measure
Art of Flight is probably his pet name for Travis Rice

Why does Shaun White cover his face? ...

... Is it because everyone thinks he's ugly?

To test this theory in scientific detail we clicked on the first results for 'Shaun White is ugly', which turned out to be a Perez Hilton post on his Rolling Stone torso nudity photos...

and here's what the terrifying audience of that site thought about the matter...

YECH!

Finally we get to the big questions...

'Is Louie Vito a little person?'
Again we relied on our scientific methodology of clicking on the first link to solve these problems. For this question we were directed towards the ever reliable Yahoo Answers.

No Morgan, it's not just you.

'Is Louie Vito a dwarf?'
This time the first result came from some huge muggy internet site no one would choose to visit on purpose called Topix.

Bellecenter Mama spends a lot of her time searching Google to see if Louie Vito is married or dead.

This time though we actually went to the trouble of doing a little bit more research, something Curious could have done their damned self, and took a look at Wikipedia. Turns out that to be classified as a dwarf you have to be under 147cm tall and Louie Vito is 165cm tall, so that's a couple of cigars away from close.

So to summarise our findings; the world is full of crazy and Louie Vito is definitively not a dwarf, although we haven't been able to disprove the Oompa Loompa theory.


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Legends of the Fallen II - Stickers of the Lost Snowboard Brands

April 4, 2013, 6:34 am
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A while ago we created a bunch of stickers for pioneering snowboard brands that had gone the way of the step-in. Seeing as those stickers have been selling like things that occasionally sell, we thought it would be time to produce some more. Keep an eye out for a strangely forgotten key moment in the history of snowboarding...

Crazy Banana (1983-2001ish)
Back in the midst of snowboarding's neon phase the Swiss company Crazy Banana were the European masters, but let's not fuck around with introductions, this is all you need to know about Crazy Banana.
All snowboard movies should have porn soundtracks

Here's another look at one of the featured epic ensembles. Amazing optical illusion time: Try staring at this guys crotch for 60 seconds and immediately look at a white wall. 
Now a reverse image of the suit will be forever burned into your retinas.

They also churned out some eye-wateringly incredible topsheet designs.

But as their now dormant website says, the most memorable thing about Crazy Banana snowboards was the logo:
Established in 1983 a star is born!
The positive and funny banana logo with its unique expression has quickly become one of the world's best known snowboard logos. A long lasting impression for trendy sports products.
Focusing on young and positive people. crazy banana snowboards established itself as a pioneer in the snowboard industry with a strong, striking logo in 1983.
Positive, fresh, young is our message.

"one of the world's best known snowboard logos"...you've probably never seen before


The website has not been updated since 2001 so they didn't make it much past the millennium. The founders of Crazy Banana, and presumably they were also Die Hard baddies, Harry Gunz and Paul Gruber (the first guy to import Burton into Europe), are still going strong with their current snowboard brand Rad-Air.


Skosh (1974-1983)
The Colorado Ski & Snowboard Museum cover Skosh so succinctly I'm not going to bother writing my own summary: 
Bill O’Connell, Carrie Campbell and Scott Dowell (“Skosh”) began making prototypes in 1974, using the same wood core techniques as skateboards they sold through their company, Laguna. The first boards were constructed in their garage in Littleton and tested on Loveland Pass.

Although they came from a skateboard background Skosh designs were really influenced by surfing. A lot of their boards were essentially just snowboard shaped surfboards made from foam and resin.

There were small Skosh teams in both Colorado and California, and they would mostly ride at Loveland Pass and Snow Summit, respectively. The company finished making boards in 1983, due to a lack of ski area acceptance, the death of Skosh and financial stress.
Hammarplast Ski-Board (1977)
Hammarplast, a Swedish household products company, had a brief foray onto producing a snufer-type snowboard in 1977. It was designed by industrial designer Arne Darnell and they managed to flog 70,000 boards in the first year. As we saw in our recent article the snurfer era was pretty much all over by 1977 so these guys got in on this trend a little too late, which is why unless you're a middle aged Swedish fella, you've probably never seen one of these beauties before.
Weird that no one has reintroduced the shape on the right again.



White Bear Snookie (1970)
The Snookie was a board we featured in that snurfer era article. It was impossible to finding any corroborating info or pictures of the Snookie on the internet among all the dross and pictures of some similarly-named, strangely-coloured female dwarf.

Nash Skifer (1969)
Nash started out in the late 50's making water skis...
Sexy waterskis

In the 60's they were one of the first companies to start making skateboards...
back when narrow-set aluminium wheels made sure the sport was as unappealing as possible

They didn't push the boat out much when they extended their rage into natty little scooters...

And by 1969 they'd also jumped on the snurfer trend producing the Skifer.

After the Skifer they didn't stick around in snowsports but they did continue to be a pretty significant budget option in skateboarding into the 80's. The company still exists, but they're a shadow of their former might and their limited operation now seem to primarily focus on producing water skiing equivalent of snowblades.



Checker Pig (1983-90's)
Along with all the neon, snowboarding in the 80's was also defined by a micro trend for brand names that were fully explained by their logo. Along with Crazy Banana there was Checker Pig.

and like Crazy Banana they were also purveyors of mind-warping graphics.

Checker Pig started in 1983 in Germany and as they say on the 1999 version of the site; "Snowboards were a crazy thing, so a crazy logo was needed. It is not to be overlooked, the smiling pink pig with sunglasses logo of Checker Pig."

Checker Pig's biggest contribution to snowboarding was that they were the first company to produce a woman's pro model snowboard. It's a strangely overlooked moment in modern versions of snowboarding history. Here's an extract from a Transworld article from way back in 1995 about the history of women's snowboarding.
In the 1994-95 season, Sims was the first company to launch a full-scale marketing campaign that touted its “First Women’s Pro Model.” With Shannon Dunn’s name attached to the board; huge yellow sunflowers; and a design that catered to smaller, lighter, more aggressive riders, the board definitely appealed to women.
While Sims may have been the first to successfully market a women’s model, it wasn’t the true “first” women’s board. In the early 90s Nitro had the Petra Mussig race board, and Checker Pig had the Lisa Vinciguerra freestyle board. But both boards were short-lived.
“Signature models weren't promoted as heavily back then,” explains Chico Bukaovansky, assistant sales manager at Nitro. “And race boards really weren't something you promoted. That’s just the way it was.”
Apparently, whether the board was a race board or not made little difference for marketing. Former Checker Pig rider Lisa Vinciguerra designed the first female freestyle board. It was sold for a season in Europe, but never saw daylight in the U.S. market.
“There were a few snowboards women helped design, but Sims was the first to push a woman’s board in the U.S.,” says Vinciguerra.

A year after Checker Pig was founded they started to produce mountain bikes, two years later the two companies were split up. Today the mountain bike company is still going but the snowboard company is no more.

In another first for snowboarding, this was the only time a Deliverance reference has ever been used to advertise snowboards

All these stickers are available on our Red Bubble store 


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Our look at the classic snowboards of the snurfer era was referenced a few times here.

Our first set of vintage snowboard stickers form forgotten brands

And we also have some unbranded snowboard stickers


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The 10 Most Bonkers Snowboard Inventions Ever Patented

April 18, 2013, 6:54 am
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It's said that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. For some people all they have is perspiration. Today we celebrate the efforts of these incredibly moist and flagrant folks...


10. Hula-Hoop Girdles

There's been a lot of chat recently about the lack of people taking up snowboarding over the last few years. One of the solutions would be to make learning to snowboard a little easier, anything that could make your first experience of snowboarding feel a little less like you'd just naively bent down to pick up the soap in the prison showers would be a massive bonus. That said, the answer has not turned out to be dressing some poor mug in a giant steering wheel.

Snowboard training apparatus – 2000 
Although it never really took off in the snowboarding world, the hoop girdle was found to be the perfect solution to the dropped soap problem

This design did actually see the light of day and it's still around and finding a small niche in adaptive snowboarding as the puntastic Sno-Wing. 


9. Sailboards
As soon as one person invents a sport, someone else tries to mash that sport up with another. Here's windsurfing bodged together with snowboarding.
Sailboard for snow and ice – 1984 
And here's how that idea works in real life...
The major drawback of snowboard sailing is the music

Although that original patent amounted to very little, it's not stopped people from continuing to reinvent exactly the same thing, time and time again. In an article we produced some time ago we found that this little snowboard niche had expanded to include a plethora of sports you've never heard of including; Snow Kiting, Snow Kiteboarding, Sail Boarding, Wind Sking, Wind Boarding, Winter Windsurfing, Kitewinging, Ice Surfing, Iceboarding, Snowfering, Skywinging, Speed Riding and Speedflying.


8. Motorised Snowboards
Like wind-powered snowboarding, motorised snowboarding attracts doomed inventiors like shit attracts flies. We've also produced an article on their so far unsuccessful exploits and here's the latest idea that you won't see in a resort near you soon, or at least until someone can make one of these things weigh exactly nothing.
Powered Snowboard - 2012 
The real skill is being able to ride the board without looking where you're going

7. Lift Tethers
Lift tethers are only to be used by headless snowboarders
Snowboard support and tether – 1996 
43 - nipple clamps, 25 & 26 cock suspenders

Snowboard tether - 2001 
12 - string, 22 - string, 24 - string, 26 - string

Method and apparatus for supporting a snowboard - 2001 
36 - Snowboard clogs

"One of the advantages of the loop strap is that it prevents ankle and knee injury due to the dangling of the board from one foot as the person rides the chairlift".  - Of all the dangers inherent in our sport, this one has to be the least.

Somehow the snowboard suspenders concept actually made it to market as the Legsaver 
They are no longer in business


6. Emergency Lighting Systems

Numerous inventors have explored the opportunities of adding lighting systems to snowboards, but the insurmountable detail that snowboarding is a daytime sport has so far put an end to the realisation of their dreams.

Snowboard Light – 2003 
16 - Eye of Mordor, 18 - Monocle of Mordor

All things combined, this proved to be one massively over-engineered snowplough.


Snowboard – 2007 
It didn't help that this patent application was written by Donald Rumsfeld; "When visibility is poor in cases such as in a snowstorm, when fog rises, or when snowboarding at night, it is hard for a back person in sliding persons using snow sliding equipments (hereinafter, a “back sliding person”) to notice a front person (hereinafter, a “front sliding person”). Therefore, when the sliding speed of the back sliding person is higher than that of the front sliding person, a collision between the front sliding person and the back sliding person can occur. To avert such collision, it is considered to make the snow sliding equipment of the front sliding person luminous to draw attention of the back sliding person to the front sliding person."

Ski or Snowboard Mountable Light-Emitting Safety Device – 2012 
Great for illuminating the ground up to three centimetres ahead of you

5. Dinky Snowboards

Adding more stuff to snowboards isn't the only path open to tinkerers, the other alternative is to remove things or cut things in half. 

Individual  Snowboard for Each Foot – 1997 
Granddad's slipper glued to a Pringle

That's an image from the original patent for the absolute pony Dual Snowboards, bafflingly the most successful of these awful ideas, although in all probability it will follow all these other ideas into dusty oblivion.

Interestingly in their various applications the other referenced patents aren't snowboarding, instead they seem to have been inspired by a series of patents for snowblade precursors, including this beauty. It undermines the positioning of their product as an improvement on snowboarding when it was inspired by feet buckets.
Shoe device and method of attaching a strap to a shoe member - 1977

As with all of these ideas, just because it's a bad idea doesn't seem to put others off from having a go too.

Articulated two-piece snowboard with rigid, flexible connector – 2011 
This saw the light of day as the Trakboard, although judging by the antiquated website and videos this product has already gone the way of the step-in binding.

Articulated-severable snowboard also useable as emergency snowshoes – 2007 
This product was about as usable as the guy's spelling of usable

The bloke that produced the last patent seems to be a bit of a serial patentist. Here's another of his cracking ideas...
Bionic Boots

4. Snowboard Scooters

The premise for this is, despite all evidence to the contrary, handles would be a better way to control a snowboard than bindings. A really bad starting point, but people just love mashing shit up so they were sure to try this at some point.

Snow scooter and method of using snow scooter - 2003 
This is easily my favourite patent sketch. Loving the use of lined paper.

I was hoping they'd update their patent by submitting doodles they'd drawn on some ketchup-stained napkins, but rather disappointing by 2008 they'd tidied things up a little.
56 - man with no neck,  54 - disco shoes, 25 - Dance Dance Revolution platform, 24, fucking massive snowboard 

Here's a look at the performance of snowboard scooters in an incredibly unsuccessful advert from the now defunct Venom Switchboards. 


Question: What's better than a snowboard with an unnecessary handle? 
Anserw: A snowboard with two unnecessary handles...
4. Two Handled Snowboards

With two handles and a set of bindings this seems to be a snowboard designed for control-freak master puppeteers, a very niche market. 

Snowboard with steering control – 2004 
12 - snowboard, 16 - front of snowboard, 18 - back of snowboard, 26 - just behind the front of snowboard, 28 - just in front of the back of snowboard, 37 - the most frontish bit of the snowboard possible, 38 - the furthest you can get from 37 , 14 - towards the back of snowboard, but not all that far back, more towards the middle, but not the middle itself, just behind that.

Two-handled snow scooter – 2005 
27 - The Running Man

To see how these two-handled snowboards roll, here's a video from another patentee, Yibb Boards, the Netherlands biggest contribution to snowboarding, featuring lots of straight airs and hotel foyer music.

The universal sign that you've just invented a crap snowboard is if you've also just developed a surprising and uncontrollable desire to listen to easy listening jazz.


2. Hangboards
While we're busy bodging together sports hows about the incredibly unlikely combination of hang gliding and snowboarding?
Winter recreation Device - 2006 
Someone decided to go full Heath Robinson on this shit, and amazingly this contraption is now available as the Hangboard.

“Wait till you see the next story, its about something that we’re pretty sure will take the extreme sports world by storm.”
That video was from three years back and the extreme sports world is still bracing itself for the storm.



In the patent application theirs also a design for a seated hangboard, which if it's possible, makes even less sense. Hangboard are clearly not big fans of making sense...

Site highlight: This guy has an truly immense head.


1. Catwalk Sticks?
In the past few days I've come across at least a dozen separate patents all trying to corner the market in snowboard poles. It makes you question the validity of patents when you can apparently patent a stick. At least three of these things are now available to buy at surprising high price points. However the winner in this cul-de-sac of snowboard design, and the winner of the worst snowboard idea ever patented is...

Catwalk sticks for propelling a snowboarder – 2000 
Cutlery propelled snowboarding



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The Good, the Bad and the Ugly - The industrial design future of snowboarding according to Behance

May 2, 2013, 7:04 am
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Behance.net is an internet place that arty folks congregate to show off their wares. Amongst the mass of creativity are some industrial designers having a crack at improving snowboarding. Some of the ideas they've come up with are really interesting, others...not so much...


The Good

120˚ Lock - A Purpose-built Snowboard Lock
Snowboard accessories are an area of snowboarding still waiting to be improved. The current batch of tools and locks on the market are just off-the-shelf products branded up by snowboarding companies. These lads decided to the opposite and design a lock specifically for snowboarding. Here's what they came up with.
The two significant improvements they introduced were a much easier combination dial to use with gloves on and a thicker cable.
Adding a slightly thicker wire might not sound like a revolutionary improvement but here's a short parable to explain why it's a great idea, because every snowboard blog should include a good parable once-in-a-while.
Two friends, Dick and Dave, were walking in the mountains when a huge frothing-mouthed grizzly bear suddenly charged towards them. The two men started running for their lives, but within moments Dave abruptly sat down, removed his heavy hiking boots and started to change into his running shoes. Dick called out as he ran past, "Hey, Dave. You're wasting your time. You'll never outrun that bear. Why are you putting those on?". Dave replied "Dick, I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you."
To build a better board lock, you just need one that's slightly harder to cut than all the other ones.

iDeck
Industrial Design tomfoolery.



Air Helmet - Designing a snowboard helmet from scratch
Snowboard helmets are another area crying out for a dose of creative thinking. As they've become more popular the designs have improved by baby-steps rather than revolution and as a result they follow the same basic rules. They're all essentially big round smooth plastic balls, with the only variation being whether you have a small peak at the front or not. These guys decided to start from scratch and try and design a helmet specifically for snowboarding and they went venting crazy.
I'm not totally convinced by the resulting design. This white one looks good while the other colours veer close to heinous territory, but the idea to start again and ignore the current design standardisation is a good one and something I'd like to see a little more of.
This particular design is ultimately doomed, because there's no room for the pros' massive Red Bull stickers.

Helmet with integrated removable headphones 
Wireless headphones that you can use remove from the helmet and use separately  Saves buying two sets of headphones.


SKÅDI - The Ski Resort Ambulance
After experiencing the joys of being carted down the mountain on a stretcher after a bad crash, Luke Woodard decided to build the perfect snow ambulance, and while he was at it he made sure it looked fucking awesome.

The only drawback I can see is that it will only encourage people to seriously injure themselves to get a ride.

Not content with just designing an snow ambulance Luke also designed this snowmobile/spaceship


AvA 299 DROP - Heliboarding Concept
Here's another lad who decided he also didn't want to mess around with little things like helmets and locks, so he decided to have a crack at redesigning the helicopter. Although this is a classic case of interesting idea, but not great execution, I still kinda want one.

Strictly for my ninjas

Toolless snowboard bindings
If there's two things that are like crack to industrial designers it's integrated helmets and Flow bindings. We'll get to the integrated helmets later of course, because we're still in the good section, but in amongst the reams of shitty Flow bindings concepts was this one. This lad went to town in cramming ideas into his bindings concept, but the one that really has some legs is the ability to attach/detach and adjust the bindings with no tools. A bit more work on that idea and there's another really interesting product for someone.


The Bad

Quad-Point Snowboard Binding Tool
Following on from the toolless binding, here is the exact opposite idea. This is from the same lad that brought us the two snowmobile concepts, so that's a worrying loss of form for him.
Here are some of the key features:
  • Heavier than a screwdriver
  • More uncomfortable to use than a screwdriver
  • Only works on one type of binding arrangement
  • Less adaptable than a screwdriver
  • Requires four times more effort to tighten than individual screws
  • Can't adjust the tightness of any individual screw


Snowboard Boot Concept for K2
This one looks pretty, but can you spot the problem?
The rear BOA and highback combo could be tricky.

Armoured Snowboard Gloves
Turn your hands into little plastic armadillos with these snow gauntlets. 
Handy if you need to instigate a dual

Konkur Stix | Snowboard Poles
Snowboard poles. Yeay!

The Konkur snowboard pole comes complete with various other ineffective accoutrements.


The Ugly

Snowboard with inbuilt toe caps
For people who have really shy toes.
A hajib for your feet

Integrated Snowboarding Helmet
Like a Ruroc helmet, but amazingly even uglier


Another Integrated Snowboard Helmet
"It's a bit ugly isn't it? How can I improve it? Perhaps if I envision it in a virtual world, on a polystyrene mannequin head, on a plastic plinth, on the ground in a deserted car park."
"Perfect"


Snowboard Helmet
Haven't I seen this somewhere before?


Goes well with the armoured gloves


You Might Also like...
There's more headgear fun in our article on The Future of Snowboard Helmets

There's more snowboard pole fun in our article on The 10 Most Bonkers Snowboard Inventions Ever Patented.

And there's more vehicular-based shenanigans on Custom & Concept Cars – Inspired by Snowboarding


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